Tag Archives: personal adoption stories

Documentary-The Truth About Adoption

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I watched this video recently, and as heartbreaking as it is, it offers a very accurate depiction of the issue of children languishing in foster care.  This video is from the UK, but is reflective of the same issue children in foster care face here in Canada, as well as the US.  There are a myriad of components contributing to why children stay so long in care, but in this video, we see two of the main reasons; waiting for children to be emancipated from their birth parents and become legally available for adoption, and the challenge of social workers to find homes for older children and siblings.

The hardest part of watching this, is probably the realization, that these beautiful little souls are three cases of thousands in just their country alone. If you’re considering adoption, perhaps you could also consider being the happy ending to a story like these.

The Truth About Adoption

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To Be Or Not To Be?

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So now we’re at the point, where I’m not so patiently waiting for the weekend to pass after seeing three siblings on Adopt Ontario, that I had called and requested more information for. I’m still torn if we’re ready to embark on this journey, but at the same time, I keep looking at their profiles, hanging on our fridge, and I’m desperately excited and drawn to these three little ones. I’ve spent the last 48+ hours picturing us with two sons and a daughter in all kinds of family scenarios. It feels right. They are the first thing I’m thinking of when I wake up and the last thing I think about at night. At the same time, I’m trying incredibly hard not to get caught up in my thoughts and dreams in case it doesn’t work out. My heart isn’t really in agreement with me on that mission though, so it’s a bit of a struggle.

Fast forward to Monday. I managed to survive the weekend. I was off work that day and trying not to watch the clock. At around 11am, I got a text from E asking if I’d heard yet. I told her I hadn’t and her next question was did I call back yet. I told her no, and she more or less asked what I was waiting for. We agreed I’d email instead and try emailing a couple of her contacts in case the person I contacted wasn’t in. The nerves started to build and I was drawing a total blank on Carter’s name. So I went to Adopt Ontario to look them up. When I did, my heart sank. They were gone. I told E, and finished the sentence typing, “Gasp!”. She told me not to panic, that perhaps they just had to make an adjustment to their information. Worst case scenario someone had expressed interest in them, in which case, legally they have to take their profiles down. But she assured me that it didn’t mean it was over. So I sent the email, now a million times more nervous than before.

I had to wait a couple of hours, and I think it’s pretty obvious the answer I received, but here it is….

There is a family that is being explored at this time for these children. I am sorry that this is the news I have for you. Please keep checking in on the site as there are always children coming up.

Everything in me deflated. Such a disappointment. I texted E, and she told me not to give up hope, that just because a family was being explored, didn’t mean that they were the right family. Their profiles could reappear, I could still be their Mom. As I said to the contact at Adopt Ontario, as sad as I was to receive that answer, I was happy for them if they were on their way to their forever home. Ultimately that was what was most important. It just surprised me that a sibling group of three disappeared that fast, being they’re one of the hardest to place categories of children right now. So naively, it didn’t even enter my consciousness that there would be other families that quickly.

In my heart of hearts, since this experience, I don’t think these were our kids. I know from hearing other’s stories that just because there’s a connection, it doesn’t always lead to adoption. I wouldn’t be disappointed if I were wrong. Well, let me rephrase that. It would break my heart if I saw their profiles go up again, knowing that it didn’t work out with the other family. For both the kids and the potential parents. I still would selfishly be happy to have another chance, but that still wouldn’t mean we’d ultimately be chosen. And we’d still have to do some soul searching to see if we were willing to make the changes to find a new home so we could take these little ones in if it got to that point.

For now, whenever I go to bed, I put a little wish out to the universe that these children did find their forever home, and that they received the adoptive parents that they need and deserve. I tell the universe that our paths are meant to cross, so be it, but that I hope they’re happy and healthy with their new family. Ultimately, I know I can’t keep hoping they’ll find their way back to us. Not only because it wouldn’t be fair to them to make them wait longer than they already have, but also because I also can’t call a halt to the journey before we’ve started. I know if I focus on these little ones, I may be overlooking the children we are meant to find. Avery, Matthew and Carter made a huge impression on my heart, and I know that won’t change regardless. If they are meant to be ours, they will be. If not, that means our children are still out there, and meant to be with us. Whatever happens, I will never forget these three. So I keep a little place in my heart for them, and I’m pretty sure I always will.

Now these kids weren’t the ones, and I must admit, if they garnered that reaction, it kinda scares me what kind of disaster I’ll be when we find the kids we actually end up adopting. And if I’m that bad when I see a picture, God help me when we actually meet them for the first time!

Every Once In a While The Universe Gets It Right

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At the outset of this journey, like anyone, I was online searching for info on adoption; pretty much any info I could devour.  Being this is a life altering decision, not only for M and I, but also for our future child or children, I was (and still am), info hungry.  In my ravenous searching, I was finding a lot of information, but not a lot with Canadian content.  I found the foremost Canadian adoption info sites, but they were just that.  Info sites.  I had read all the facts and figures, and was now looking for more on the personal side of adoption.  I didn’t want the perfect family stories, or the full on horror stories, which were easy to find.  I wanted the stories in between.  The little-bit-of-everything, personal stories.  The true face of adoption.  I came across a few different websites, and was really excited to discover they had chat boards.  Then I was not so excited when I found that the boards were not only limited, but virtually inactive.  But then I came across another website that not only had great information, but also had a fairly active board.  Of course I registered.

Now what does all this have to do with the universe you might ask?  I’m getting to that; don’t rush me.  This pre-amble will get you to the point, don’t worry.  Geez, I would have thought by now you’d have figured out the word rush ceases to exist in the world of my blogosphere. 🙂  Anyhow, back to the pre-amble….

As I said, I had registered for an account so that I could lurk and hopefully get some insight into some personal stories about the trials and tribulations of adoption, from a Canadian perspective.  For a little while, all I did was lurk.  We were only in the starting phase of our journey, so I felt kind of funny posting amidst all these people whose process was well underway, or already complete.  Only M and I knew we were adopting at that point, and I wanted to tell somebody, even if it was under the guise of a pseudonym.  Plus I had a lot of questions.  So I broke my silence and made my first post.  At that point we were still weighing our options of public vs. private adoption.  So I posted asking about people’s wait times with either type.

I received a lot of responses, but one stood out from all the rest.  She shared her personal perspective in two lines.  The rest of her reply was info on both the public and private scene in Ottawa.  (Turned out we were in the same city.)  I responded to everyone and posed a follow-up question.  That same person answered again, and after some back and forth, sent me a private message.  We went from private messages, to emails, to agreeing to meet for coffee in the span of a week after that initial post.

It took us a while to coordinate schedules, but we finally agreed to meet on a Sunday night at a Starbucks half way between her house and mine.  When we first saw eachother, there were friendly hellos exchanged, and then that initial first meeting awkwardness as she ordered her coffee, while I waited on her, anxiously sipping mine.  (I totally understood what online daters felt like!)  We made our way to a table on the patio, and I’m not even exaggerating when I say that “newness” melted away within five minutes.  It’s so funny, because I don’t even remember any sort of casual conversation at the outset.  We immediately launched into adoption talk and didn’t stray from it the whole evening.  I say the whole evening because we met at 7pm, closed down the Starbucks (actually got kicked off the patio as they locked up the tables for the night), pretended like we were going to leave, and meandered toward our cars.  But we kept talking, and decided to head over to a park bench (where she endured an initial spray from the automatic sprinklers), and talked until 11, 11:30, or maybe midnight.  I can’t honestly recall.

What I do recall, was feeling so appreciative that she was willing to be completely open with me about her experiences.  I loved hearing her adoption story of how she and her husband found, fell in love with, fought for, and finally brought their beautiful son home.  I was so grateful to have met someone who immediately made me feel like I could ask anything at all, and was more than willing to share the good, the bad, and the ugly, in an entirely open and honest dialogue.  By the time we managed to peel ourselves off that bench (which may not have happened before dawn if it weren’t for husbands, and the threat of work in the morning), I felt as if I’d known her far beyond a few hours, and a handful of email exchanges.

I think she felt so familiar because I saw a lot of her in me and vice versa, but also because I saw the adoptive mom I hope to one day be.  A mom who did whatever she had to do to find her way to her child.  A mom who may not have liked everything she endured during those first days, but fought through it and came out the other side with a fiercer love for that child than she ever imagined.  If I can be half the mom she is, my child will be pretty damn lucky.

So getting back to that whole universe bit…  As I’ve said before, the universe definitely has thrown a lot of not so nice things my way.  But every once in a while, it either musters up some guilt for the cruelty dished out, or maybe it just decides to take the day off.  (More likely the latter.)  Whatever the case, every once in a while, I catch a break.  Sometimes it’s just a short reprieve, and other times, it’s a “How did I get so lucky?!” kinda moment.  And she too, is more likely the latter.

Thanks E.